You Always Play the Get Out of Jail Free Card

RockyWhat You’ve Missed…
* A lot of talk about circumcision.  I mean, A LOT.  More than you’d think you’d find in a really holy book.
* An angry mob attacks and stones Paul.  Everyone thinks he’s pretty much dead, but then he just gets up and walks away.  It’s kind of like the final scene in Rocky, except he’s getting hit in the face with rocks, instead of padded boxing gloves.  And there’s less Burgess Meredith.
* Paul casts a demon out of girl who was following him around, because the demon just got really annoying after awhile.  This is basically the New Testament version of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour.
* Paul gets beaten a second time.  It’s not as much like Rocky II as you’d expect, and there’s still no Burgess Meredith.

Day 319
Daily Reading: Acts 15-17

Paul’s life at this point consists basically of two things: Preaching about Jesus and getting beat up, and preaching about Jesus and safely running away from an angry mob.  Pretty simple really.  Acts 15 has Paul preaching about Jesus and getting beat up.  Then he gets thrown into jail, which spices things up a bit.

So how does Paul handle a serious ass kicking and then being wrongfully imprisoned?  Like a champ.  The guy spends his time singing hymns while the other prisoners listen.  Basically he doesn’t let the man get him down.  I mean, he has a better attitude than that guy in The Shawshank Redemption, which is pretty hard to beat.  Instead of complaining and whining, the guy just starts up a karaoke club, belting out the hits late into the night.  Turns out God’s a pretty big karaoke fan, because here how He responds.

Karaoke“Suddenly there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!  The jailer woke up to see the prison doors wide open. He assumed the prisoners had escaped, so he drew his sword to kill himself. But Paul shouted to him, ‘Stop! Don’t kill yourself! We are all here!’”  Acts 16:26-28

Are you kidding me?  Paul doesn’t get the heck outta Dodge immediately?  He doesn’t see the earthquake as God’s escape plan for him?  Paul just got handed the world’s first Get Out of Jail Free card, and he just hangs around?  Paul, you don’t even need to understand Monopoly to grasp the concept of the Get Out of Jail Free card.  Come on buddy!

BoltIt seems to me that any normal person would take advantage of the situation immediately and get their butt outta there pronto.  I mean, I hate to run, and have yet to find even adequate motivation to start jogging, but I promise you if I were Paul, I would channel the whitest Usain Bolt I could find inside of me and leave that place in the dust, setting some serious Caucasian speed records along the way.  I would do that because I’m normal and my brain works.  But Paul isn’t normal (though I admit his brain does work).  Paul apparently doesn’t feel the need to free himself, he just kind of goes with the flow.  And in this case, the flow has the jailer take Paul and other prisoners home, take care of their wounds, feed them and then become a Christian along with his entire family.

What!?  What jail guard takes prisoners home!?  None.  Because that’s totally crazy.  (Though I think this happens in The Green Mile?  I’m not sure.  I’ve never seen it.  Regardless, if it did happen in The Green Mile, it’s still an extraordinary event, Walkerwhich is probably why it was such a powerful and memorable scene.  That or there was some cool special effects or something.)

Anyway…not only could the jail guard get fired, but this is a Roman jail…and from my education of Romans through movies and bad Sunday school videos, they would feed the jailer to lions or something if he got caught.  I mean, the guy would have some kind of violent Gladiator death for sure. Yet this jailer saw something so completely different in Paul than he’d ever seen in anyone that he risked his own life to learn more about it.  That’s nuts.  That is seriously nuts.

Sweet Brown vs. My Dad

P90XWhat You’ve Missed…
* I joined Instagram
* P90X is now a thing that exists in my life.  Six days a week.  At 7:15am.
* I’ve discovered it’s possible to accomplish things before 8am.  That kind of blew my mind.
* I’m a “protein shake for breakfast” person now.  I don’t know how I feel about that.
* Gossip columnist Perez Hilton had a kid, and I’m still single.  What the hell?

Day
Daily Reading

It always kills me when I hear people say, “No excuses!”  Mostly because I’m usually the guy with the excuses.  Also because my excuses are usually pretty good.  In response to needing an excuse for not having updated this blog since October 23 of last year, allow me to quote Sweet Brown (my favorite person ever) and say, “Ain’t nobody got time for dat!”

SweetBrownThat’s how I’ve felt about the blog for the past few months.  Day-to-day life just seemed to take over, and I didn’t have the time to write posts as often as I’d like.  Though, as I read that to myself out loud an image of my father appears in my brain, looks around at the mess (unapprovingly I might add) and steps carefully around the clutter, raising his eyebrows at me, then says with a tone of fatherly disappointment, “Ain’t nobody got time for dat?  Son, at least make some attempt to let people know you have a college degree.  Also, I think the real issue is that you didn’t MAKE time for that.”

Admittedly he’s right.  While I tend to think I didn’t have the time, my dad walks around my brain pointing out everything I have made time for, holding it up like dirty laundry between two fingers.  Watching seasons one and two of Breaking Bad?  I got time for dat.  Legally gambling at the local Poker Room?  I got time for dat.  Playing Call of Duty online?  For hours?  Without sleep?  Oh, I got LOTS of time for dat!

CallofDutyThis is the part where my dad just looks at me, wondering what the hell is wrong with his kid.  I dunno Dad.  I guess I’ve always been better at exploring multiple outlets for my creativity than exploring healthy time management.  (Dad’s expression lets me know that he’s not ready to embrace Call of Duty as a legitimate creative outlet.  We decide to just live and let live for now.)

So what does all this rambling mean?  It means that I plan on writing this blog again.  It means that I’ve actually missed it.  While this blog was a major focus of my life, I was constantly thinking about the character of God, my relationship with Him and how it all relates to this human experience.  I was having interesting conversations with people about all that stuff.  (As opposed to “interesting” conversations with 15 year-old kids who were clearly outgunning me online.)  I want to reclaim that.

PerezHiltonI did finish reading the Bible in a year, but I never finished writing about it.  And truth be told, I kinda rushed through the end there to meet my deadline, which technically I missed by a day.

So I hope you’ll tune back in to finish out the Bible with me.  I also hope you’ll share your thoughts and opinions along the way, as I plan to continue to explore the craziness of God even after I’ve run out of Bible.  I’m not real sure who’s reading this, other than internet spam bots and my mom, but whoever you are I want you to know….it’s good to be back.  Thanks for waiting.

Osama for President?

What You’ve Missed…
* The disciples receive God’s Holy Spirit and start speaking in every language known to man.  Instead of being completely amazed, some people just think the dudes are hammered drunk.
* God teleports Phillip after he baptizes some guy, just like Scotty beamin’ up Captain Kirk.  No, seriously.  The Bible says he was teleported.  Like in Science Fiction…except…not fiction.
* Stephen, the first martyr ever, seems like the nicest guy ever.  Bummer.
* Three thousand people are lovin’ all this and decide to become Christians at the same time.  And they didn’t even do it for a free t-shirt.  Crazy.

Day 314
Daily Reading: Acts 8-9

Remember how after 9/11 people were passionate about America?  Remember how people were passionate about hating terrorists?   And remember how Osama bin Laden changed his mind about everything afterward, and became America’s greatest leader and advocate?

No?  Oh, right.  Because that would be completely insane, and Americans would be idiots to follow their most collectively hated enemy.  Even if the guy genuinely regretted his actions and apologized to U.S. citizens, I imagine most Americans reacting by saying something like, “Screw that,” or, “Hell no,” or, “WTF?  Where’s ma’ gun?  I’m gonna kill that mother….”

There wasn’t a chance in hell that guy was getting any kind of forgiveness.  There was even less of a chance (if that’s even possible) that bin Laden would have been allowed to visit the U.S. without mass riots breaking out.  And there was absolute zero chance of that guy being allowed to become an American politician.  I mean, the idea of that just sounds preposterous.  Like, totally and ridiculously outlandish.  Hugh Hefner has a better chance at becoming the next Pope than bin Laden being allowed to run for office.

Why am I even bringing this up?  Because this actually happened.  Not with Osama bin Laden, but with the apostle Paul.  Paul is like, the best Christian ever.  He started tons of churches, was an incredible Christian teacher, and spent his life spreading the news of Jesus all around the world.  But before all that, he was Christianity’s worst enemy.

“Meanwhile, Saul [who later changed his name to Paul] was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers.”  Acts 9:1

He didn’t just oppose Christianity.  He wanted to kill Christians.  He was eager to kill them.  And he was threatening them relentlessly.  Yup, that’s pretty much a dead ringer (no pun intended…well, maybe a little) for bin Laden in my book.

But one day, Paul has a “religious experience” where Jesus appears to him, strikes him blind, only to have him healed days later, at which point Paul realizes this whole “Jesus thing” is real, and maybe murdering Christians isn’t the best idea anymore.

Soon after, Paul can be found preaching about Jesus, which was the very thing he wanted to kill Christians for.  That’s like bin Laden producing YouTube videos about how awesome America is, and how he was wrong for thinking otherwise.

(I really need voice inflection here because) That’s CAAA-RAAAY-ZEE.

That’s only the start, because as time wears on, Paul’s not only allowed to become a member of the church (most Christians were actually afraid of him at first), but he becomes a sought after teacher and well respected man within the movement.  In fact, he wrote most of the New Testament.  He basically instructs the Christians on what it even means to be a Christian.  Again, that’s like bin Laden becoming a major influential player in American politics, to the point that most government officials are seeking his advice on how to effectively run a democratic form of government, then pretty much elect him President.

Can you even conceive of bin Laden not only as a converted American politician, but a highly respected politician?  How about as our beloved President?  That’s insane.  What group of people choose to follow their enemy?  A group of people who are total idiots, that’s who.  Like people who think the writers of LOST knew what they were doing, or people who think they’re learning when they watch Honey Boo Boo on The Learning Channel.  Those types of people might be swayed by some smooth talk, but not rational adults with functioning brains.

Adults with functioning brains, in the same situation as the early Christians were with Paul, would be all like, “Dude…didn’t Paul have your brother killed?  Didn’t he hock a huge loogie on you last week at the market?  Didn’t he call us a bunch of crazy lunatics who were the scum of the earth?  Why the hell are we letting him talk at our meeting?  Why aren’t we repeatedly punching him in the face and kicking him in the jewelies right now?”  That’s how normal people would react.  Yet that’s not what happens here in Acts at all.

These Christians allowed their worst enemy to change his mind, to become one of them, and to become one of their greatest teachers.  Clearly something powerful is happening here because this isn’t normal.  This isn’t anything close to normal.

This is crazy.  Like, Ripley’s Believe it or Not crazy.

Why God Why!?

What You’ve Missed…
* Jesus blows people’s minds when he knows what they’re thinking.  Dude would have crush dominated on The Family Feud.
* Jesus heals a bunch more people, pisses off a bunch more people, and then raises some folks from the dead.  No big deal.
* Jesus dies, then he rises from the dead, putting him in the same category as Ron Burgundy of being kind of a big deal.
* Jesus disappears into and appears out of thin air enough times to make it look like he’s enjoying himself just a little too much.

Day 311
Daily Reading: Mark 16, Luke 24, Acts 1-2

Today wraps up the story of Jesus.  The short version is that he’s killed, his followers are all upset and disheartened, he rises from the dead, appears to his followers and instructs them to carry on his work with the help of the Holy Spirit who will empower them to do great things.  Then Jesus flies away into heaven, kind of like Neo at the end of The Matrix I guess.  Just with less hardcore Goth music.

And that’s it.  Jesus’ time on Earth is over.  He spent three years (most people think) walkin’ around preaching and healing people.  Then he left.  That’s what I want to focus on…because that’s crazy.

Jesus’ whole deal, as Christians understand it today, was to restore humanity’s relationship with God.  In other words, Jesus came to tell people they could know God personally.  He told them God cared about them as an individual.  He told them God was their father, and He considered them His own children.  He wanted people to believe what he was saying, and he wanted everyone to know that he died as the sacrifice required to be in a relationship with God.  His revolutionary message was for the whole world.  The whole world!

Yet, he chose to come to Earth at a time when mass communication consisted of yelling really loud and mass transit consisted of your feet.  If that wasn’t limiting enough, he was only around for a few years, and then he peaced out.

What!?  Isn’t this God?  Couldn’t God appear to everyone on the planet at once?  I mean, even aliens can pull this off.  Independence Day?  The whole world simultaneously discovers these aliens have some pretty awesome laser guns.  Signs?  Worldwide news coverage of the spookiest corn-field-loving aliens of all time.  Even an inanimate asteroid from Armageddon is able to unite the whole world as a global family.  If an asteroid can do it, couldn’t an all-powerful God?

Why does God show up as a single guy, walking around the desert?

If God is trying to reach the whole world, why doesn’t He just appear as a big guy in the sky and let us know what’s up?  That seems to be the most effective way to reach everyone at once, and have them believe in Him and in what He’s saying.

But that’s not what God does.  According to the Bible, he comes to Earth as a man, tells people about it for three years, teaches twelve guys about his mission, and then leaves, telling them to keep up the good work.  Jesus says it’s actually better that he leaves.

“In fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don’t, the Advocate (Holy Spirit) won’t come.  If I do go away, then I will send him to you.”  John 16:7

This seems so counter-intuitive to how we operate today.  Today it’s all about mass exposure.  Your band, or company, or cool non-profit, or whatever needs a viral video.  You need web presence.  You need maximum exposure.  The more people who hear your message, the better.

But Jesus doesn’t do that.  He seems to go for depth, rather than reach.  He lives alongside twelve men day in and day out.  He puts most of his efforts into those twelve disciples.  He teaches them much more than he teaches the crowds in general.  Instead of investing in mass communication, Jesus invests heavily in personal relationships.  And then he leaves the very movement he started, entrusting it to twelve, highly under-qualified individuals, one of whom has killed himself.

Way to shoot yourself in the foot Jesus.  Clearly you weren’t in my Market Strategy class in college.  (Then again, neither was I because, hey, ultimate Frisbee on the quad.)  This sounds like the worst strategy ever.

Seriously though.  You’d think an all-powerful, all-knowing being like God would just announce himself to the world, clear things up, and then have everyone live in a Care Bear utopia playing tag on rainbows and sleeping in fluffy cloud beds.

So what’s the deal?

I don’t know.  It’s not how I would’ve done it.  When I think about it, I’m amazed the Christian movement even exists today.  God’s strategy to solve a problem seems less likely to work than most of what I’ve seen in both Hangover movies.  Yet…here I am today, a believer in the whole thing.

It almost makes no sense when you think about it.  The fact that the movement still exists, despite seemingly horrible planning has led me to the following conclusions.  God is indeed very mysterious, and that maybe it’s my understanding of what’s logical, sensible, and reasonable that’s off.  Not God’s.

It’s still crazy though.

Christians Are The New Vampires

What You’ve Missed…
* Jesus walks on water, which is pretty impressive.  Though not as impressive as walkin’ on sunshine.
* Jesus creates the world’s first free and instant buffet when He feeds thousands of hungry people, using only a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish, and everyone eats as much as they want.  Twice.  I think it’s official.  Jesus loves buffets.

Day 283
Daily Reading: John 6, Mark 7, Matthew 15

I’m going to just jump right in and talk about zombies and vampires.  They’re everywhere these days.  Zombies have taken over the world of fiction, and even local news stories in Florida, and vampires have taken over the romantic dreams of teenage girls everywhere.  (Vampires that are ridiculously handsome AND they sparkle?  It’s like Brad Pitt and My Little Pony had a baby, and now we all have to suffer the unending squeals of teen girls everywhere.)

But this is nothing new.  The idea of zombies and vampires can be traced all the way back to the Bible.  In fact, Jesus himself talks about both.

Check out what He says.

“I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man (Jesus) and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you.  But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life…For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink.”  John 6:53-55

Whaaaaaat?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I get from this is Jesus tells people they have to eat His flesh and drink His blood to gain eternal life.  Did I miss something because that sounds all kinds of jacked up.  Eating flesh?  Drinking blood?  That sounds…really weird, really creepy and…cultish.

Jesus, dude, couldn’t you have just stuck with, “Love your neighbor,” or “Peace in the Middle East,” or even a little bit of Bill and Ted wisdom like, “Be excellent to each other?”  Why do you have to freak people out, talking about how your followers have to eat your body, and drink your blood?  No one wants to hear that.

In fact, after He said this, a lot of His followers turned away.  Probably because they weren’t interested in eating other people.  This isn’t the Jesus I heard about in Sunday school.  I heard about “nice Jesus”, not “B Horror movie Jesus.”

Speaking of which, many of you reading may be Christians and might not find this weird, because you believe in the act of communion, which is how Christians take part in eating Jesus’ flesh and drinking His blood today.  It may seem like no big deal.  I think that’s because we’ve heard it so much, it no longer has any impact on us.

But think about it.  The central figure in your spiritual beliefs, the one you base your lifestyle on, told people they would have to eat His body and drink His blood in order to gain eternal life.  Do you actually believe that?  If there was a cult that drank the blood of their leader, would you think that was normal?  Or would you think they were totally whacked out?

Well I have news for you.  That’s exactly what we’re doing as Christians.  We’re drinking the blood of our leader, to gain eternal life.  That’s the whole myth behind vampires!  (It’s just a shame we don’t get super-speed and super-strength as by-products.  We also don’t become overly dramatic horrible actors either, so that’s pretty good.)

And don’t forget, we also have stuff in common with flesh-eating zombies.  Though, we may not be mindless, I know of a few Christians who drool as much as any good zombie would.

So what’s my point?  I think we, as Christians, need to have some perspective of why non-Christians think we might be a little weird.  I think we need to be mindful that when we use expressions like, “The blood of the Lamb,” or “Our sins have been covered by the blood of Jesus,” people may be totally weirded out.  (Wow, we really do talk about blood a lot don’t we?  Yeah…that’s NOT totally creepy at all.)

Okay, okay…so it’s not really that intense.   Christians don’t actually drink blood.  We drink wine (or grape juice) as a symbol of Jesus’ blood.  And we don’t actually eat flesh, but rather bread (or fancy Catholic wafers) as a symbol for flesh.  But still…when you really think about it, it’s pretty crazy that we do it at all.

Geez, after all this eating, drinking and horror movie talk, I’m ready for some Jimmy Johns and a Walking Dead Marathon.

Christianity is awesome.

Was Jesus a Klingon?

What You’ve Missed…
*
Jesus gets baptized, gets disciples, and gets the whole Christian party under way (though, no booze of course.)
* Jesus changes up that whole “no booze” idea when he kicks a local party into overdrive, turning water into wine, providing free drinks, and a good time (probably too good of a time) for everyone!
* Jesus shows He doesn’t just party, and gets down to business healing tons of sick people, casting out tons of demons and raising people from the dead.  No big deal.
* Local Jewish scholars start to get pissed at how awesome people think Jesus is, and decide the most rational course of action is to plan how to kill Him.

Day 281
Daily Reading: Matthew 9-10, Mark 6

Making my way through the New Testament, which I am more familiar with than the Old Testament, I continue to find myself surprised at how crazy a lot of it is. For instance…I always thought of Jesus as a “nice guy”.  I thought of Him as calm, rational, and someone who taught about good morals and helped people.  He probably spent time playing with abandoned puppies and gave candy to children, always making sure to remind them to brush their teeth.  Sounds like a nice guy right?

Well, I’m not so sure.  At one point while He’s preparing the disciples to go out and preach, He says some pretty funky stuff for a nice guy.

“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.”  Matthew 10:37

And right before that, He makes it pretty clear that He’s not here to be a nice guy.

“Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth!  I came not to bring peace, but a sword.  ‘I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.  Your enemies will be right in your own household.”  Matthew 10:35-36

Dang.  Jesus don’t play!  He’s making it pretty clear that He considers a relationship with Him far more important than any other relationship a person can have.  When combined with the fact that He said He came to bring a sword, that sweet little nice guy image doesn’t hold up.  He’s more like Conan the Barbarian who’s shown up to get shit done.

Jesus isn’t simply trying to sound like a tough guy here.  The man lives by His own philosophy.  Later in Matthew, Jesus puts some of this crazy thinking into practice.

“As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, His mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him.  Someone told Jesus, ‘Your mother and brothers are outside, and they want to speak to you.’  Jesus asked, ‘Who is my mother?  Who are my brothers?’  Then he pointed to His disciples and said, ‘These are my mother and brothers.  Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!’”  Matthew 12:46-50

Dude…Jesus is rude!  Can you imagine if George W. Bush was speaking to a crowd, and someone came up, telling him that Sweet Barbara and Ol’ George Sr., want to talk to him, and he responded by saying, “I don’t know them.  I’m the Decider and I’ve decided the people listening to me are my only family.”  The media would flip out.  His parents would flip out.  That’d be a really horrible way to treat his family.  And that’s exactly what Jesus does here!  His mission is more important to Him than His own mother.

That is not how a nice guy acts.  Nice guys love their moms.  (Some of them even live with their moms.)  Nice guys give their families backstage passes and VIP treatment.  Not Jesus.  Dude gives his family the cold shoulder without a second thought.

I’m starting to think Jesus might have more in common with Klingons than Mother Theresa.

God Pooped

What You’ve Missed…
* The Israelites encounter close to 400 years of radio silence from God when it seems He stops speaking to His people. We can’t go 5 minutes without checking our phones to know what’s going on. They went 400 years. Great, now I just feel pathetic.
* The Old Testament is old news. We’ve rounded the bend and now find ourselves in the New Testament.
* John the Baptist invents baptism, lives like a sketchy homeless dude in the woods, eats weird hippie food, wears weird hippie clothes, and tells people to prepare for the coming of God. Basically he was like the weirdest dude ever.

Day 267
Daily Readings: Mark 1, Luke 1 and 3, John 1, Matthew 1

I remember back when I took Latin in 6th grade, and I heard the myths of the Greek gods and how they would come down to Earth, interact with people, then go back to Mount Olympus. I remember wondering if the Greeks actually believed that stuff, and if they did, wondering how anyone could be so dumb. (Though they were on to something with those togas. They basically walked around in Snuggies. I think it’s worth it to revisit that idea.)

But those Greek legends are just made up stories. Everyone knows they aren’t real. No one actually thinks all-powerful gods, who created everything, come down from their heavenly thrones disguised as people to walk among us. No one who saw Thor thinks it’s real. (Mostly because that guy is waaaay to pretty to be as tough as he is.)

However, the New Testament starts out with this exact premise. God came down from His heavenly throne, in the form of a man, to walk among his own creation. Think about that for a second. If you’re a Christian, it means you might have more in common with the mythology of the ancient Greeks than modern science. It means the idea that the Greeks might have been crazy for believing what they did applies to you and me as well.

“In the beginning, the Word (Jesus) already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him…So the Word became human and made his home among us.” John 1:1-14

So what happens next? An angel visits Mary saying,

“You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus…The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.” Luke 1:29-35

Long story short, Jesus is born. (And if you’re looking for a totally awesome, action-adventure blockbuster version of the story not found in the Bible, check out Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith. He’s the dude who wrote Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and clearly someone I need to be friends with.) So Jesus is born. So God becomes human. So what?

Let’s just stop and think about what this means for a minute. For one thing, it means God pooped. A lot. That’s crazy. It also means he cried as a kid. God cried. It means He had to do chores when He didn’t want to growing up. It also means He was vulnerable to disease, to physical pain and injury and to death. Think about the risk He took in living in such a volatile and dangerous world.

I’m not here to debate the whole virgin birth thing, or to discus whether Jesus was God or a prophet, or neither. I believe He was God. I’m interested in exploring the idea of what that looked like, what it says about the character of a God who behaves in such a way as to intentionally make Himself vulnerable. To lower himself, even to the point of having to live under the restrictions of a human body. It’s crazy.

I can only wonder if God had to learn to share, a value He Himself created. I wonder if He was ever interested in girls. I wonder if He ever had His feelings hurt. I wonder if He loved stories, staying up late, and sneaking out of the house at night. I wonder if He loved playing with fire, and if when He realized that He created fire, He thought, “Dude I’m glad I invented this. Fire is awesome!” (Because it is. I don’t understand how people aren’t pyromaniacs.)

God as man opens up so many ideas. God was hungry. God was tired. God was happy, sad, confused. And the craziest one, God learned from people. Let me repeat that. God. Learned. From. People. That thought alone blows my mind. I’m just glad I wasn’t Jesus’ dad, because I would have taught God to pick His nose, take lots of naps and to make Taco Bell a central part of His diet.