*Abraham turns 100 and his wife Sarah finally has the baby she’s been praying for and names him Isaac.
*God later tells Abraham to kill Isaac, his only son, as a holy sacrifice. (I’d have a hard enough time sacrificing my dog if God asked.)
*At the last minute God stops Abraham. Turns out it was just a test, and Abraham passed. (I immediately become grateful for the SATs for the first time ever.)
*Everything God promised to Abraham, he also promises to Isaac.
*Isaac marries Rebekah and has twins, Esau and Jacob, one of which may be an Ewok.
*To wrap things up, turns out Jacob is totally shady, and kind of a complete jerk, when he tricks his blind and elderly father by having Isaac give him God’s blessing which was supposed to be given to his brother Esau. Also, his mom helped him formulate this whole plan. (I always had a feeling that a mother’s second child was always her favorite.)
Daily Reading Genesis 28-30:24
So Jacob is wandering around figuring out his life when God promises him the same things He promised his father Isaac and grandfather Abraham; tons of descendants, tons of land, blessings, yadda yadda yadda…Jacob seems pumped about the whole deal.
Later Jacob goes to visit his uncle Laban and ends up meeting his cousin Rachel who turns out to be a foxy, foxy lady. Real foxy. The Bible actually goes out of its way to tell us that this chick is not just beautiful, but has a bangin’ body.
Jacob knows what he wants, and he wants Rachel. He agrees to work for Laban for seven years in exchange for Rachel. Now, there are tons of fine women out there in the world today…and I don’t know a single dude who would work for seven years, without pay, to have one as a wife. Clearly Rachel had it goin’ on! So seven years passes and Jacob is ready to get busy. He approaches his uncle and gets straight to business saying, “I have fulfilled my agreement, now give me my wife so I can sleep with her.” And so he does.
SURPRISE! Turns out ol’ Laban pulled a fast one on his nephew and sent Jacob his oldest daughter Leah instead (who Jacob doesn’t really care for, probably because she had “dull eyes”, which I imagine is the Bible’s polite way of telling us Leah was about as attractive as a cow). A week later Laban gives Jacob Rachel as his second wife (and gets Jacob to agree to another seven years of work. How hot was this chick?)
And it is at this point that the two sisters, Leah and Rachel, battle it out hardcore for their husband’s affection. There’s more outrage happening here than Chuck Liddell could ever muster up in a UFC match. And how do these two women fight for Jacob’s affection? By having as many of his kids as they can. Let the Great Middle Eastern Baby Battle Begin!
Turns out Rachel can’t have kids, and Leah can…giving Jacob four kids and taking an early lead. But filled with jealousy, and not to be outdone, Rachel has Jacob sleep with her maidservant who produced two kids for Jacob.
Rachel – 2
Leah – 4
Leah seems to be hitting a dry spell, so she has Jacob sleep with her maidservant who gives him two more sons.
Rachel – 2
Leah – 6
God jumps in Leah’s corner, bringing her out of the dry spell and provides Jacob with two more sons and a daughter.
Rachel – 2
Leah – 9
Finally God throws a little compassion Rachel’s way and she becomes pregnant for the first time, giving Jacob a son named Joseph.
According to my count, the final tally is:
Rachel – 3
Leah – 9
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! And it’s Leah by six kids!
Even though Leah won the World’s Greatest Birthing Contest of all-time, Jacob still always loved Rachel more. Which just goes to show that ladies, if you want to impress your husband, shootin’ out kids left and right may not be the best approach. (Unless you’re a member of Sister Wives, in which case this is probably your favorite Bible story.) I’d just suggest letting your husband play Xbox from time to time, and easing up on all that nose hair trimming commentary. Oh, and more make-outs. Dudes love the make-outs.
(Final note: As I look back over this story…I have come to the conclusion that all of Jacob’s fourteen years of hard work for one woman paid of in spades. This guy ended up with women not only fighting to sleep with him, but offering him more women to sleep with on their behalf. Maybe it’s time I re-examine my work ethic.)