Tag Archives: Christianity

Old School Willy Wonka

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What You’ve Missed…
* A lot.
* Jacob’s sons graduate from brotherly rivalry 101  [giving Indian burns, punching each other in the shoulder (two for flinching!) and just causing your basic, run-of-the-mill emotional scarring inherent in all brotherly relationships] and move onto graduate level stuff like LEAVING THEIR BROTHER JOSEPH TO DIE IN THE WILDERNESS, and later, SELLING HIM INTO SLAVERY.  (To be fair, he did constantly mention how he had dreams that they would all bow down to him in the future.)
* After becoming a slave in Egypt, Joseph is falsely accused of rape and is thrown in prison.  (Let’s see…being hated by his brothers, becoming a slave, and then thrown into prison under false pretenses?  Can you imagine the prescription drug problem this guy would have today?)
* God uses Joseph to interpret the dreams of two fellow inmates. (One goes on to prosperity, and the other is impaled on a pole.)
* Joseph becomes the original Charlie Sheen in Wallstreet (is this too dated a reference?) rising straight to the top of the power/wealth chain when he gives Pharaoh some pretty sweet insider information, and Pharaoh appoints him to be in charge of the entire kingdom.
* Because of famine, and because Joseph is the man with the plan (and food) his brothers come to him (not recognizing him), bowing at his feet (ring a bell?) begging to buy food for their families back home in Canaan.
* In retrospect, maybe you should just watch Act I of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  It’s filled with lavish musical numbers, elaborate stage sets, and fantastically flamboyant costumes.  Other than that, it’s exactly the same as what you just read.

Day 16
Daily Reading: Genesis 42-45:15

Alright, so Joseph’s brothers took brotherly harassment to a new level.  But it’s turning out the Bible knows how to spin one heck of a great story, and Joseph is about to take the idea of “getting even” to new heights.  Joseph wants revenge, but he’s not out for blood, and it should be mentioned he seems slightly bi-polar.  So what’s his approach?  Mind games.

Phase one kicks off with some serious interrogation.  After grilling his brothers he accuses them of being liars and spies.  For phase two, Joseph throws them all in jail for three days.  Then he demands they go back home, and return to Egypt with their youngest brother Benjamin.  He ties up his brother Simeon, and holds him as ransom.  But just to keep them on their toes, he fills up their grain sacks, and secretly returns the money they used to purchase the grain, which they find later, and which really stresses them out.

Their father Jacob starts freaking out, refuses to let Benjamin go to Egypt, and plays the famous dad card telling his idiot children that they will be the death of him.  As the famine continues their grain runs out again.  (Let’s pause quickly and remember their brother Simeon has been tied up in prison, completely disregarded by his family this whole time.)  So Jacob relents and sends his sons with Benjamin back to Egypt.

Phase three of Joseph’s mind games includes him inviting his brothers to eat in the palace.  (They’re pretty much convinced they’re in serious trouble.  You know that crazy intense scene in Inglorious Basterds where the movie theater lady is dining with that General, and she has to pretend to be enjoying herself, even though she’s pretty much convinced he’s just toying with her and planning on destroying her life completely any minute?  It’s like that.)

After eating, Joseph initiates phase four, where he gives his brothers more grain and sends them on their way, but not before stashing his silver cup in their luggage, and instructing his servant to stop them, and accuse them of stealing from him.  Everything goes according to plan and upon returning to the palace under the charge of theft, Joseph declares the one who stoles the cup will now be his slave.  After hearing his brother Judah cry out for mercy, Joseph breaks down and reveals himself to his brothers.  Then he weeps loud enough that everyone in the palace hears him.  (This is my favorite part because this Bible “hero” is clearly a regular dude, with some emotional instability, who is looking for a little personal justice, thinking it will bring him peace.  Now this is a guy I can relate to).  Finally he invites his whole family to come to Egypt to live with him.

You know, as I think about this, Joseph is like a real life Willy Wonka.  He’s in charge of a crazy place.  He’s (probably) wearing some weirdo outfit (just think about how the pharaohs looked).  His favorite gift to give to his guests is a few rounds of mental torture.  He’s an emotional wreck (I’m reading in between the lines for Mr. Wonka here, but I think it’s still pretty obvious) and he eventually invites a family to move in and live with him in his fantastical palace.  The only difference is they replaced grain with chocolate and a silver cup with golden tickets.  Oh, and they added orange midgets.

Yup.  This is indeed some crazy stuff.

Get Ready to Rumble!

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What You’ve Missed…
* God tells Jacob to go back to his homeland in a dream that features a lot of horny goats.
* Laban (the father-in-law) gets all angry and yells at Jacob who gets all whiny and yells at Laban.
* The men resolve their differences the same way my brothers and I did on long family car trips…they drew an imaginary line between themselves and agreed not to cross into each others’ territory.  (I hope it worked better for them, because that line only lasted about three seconds in our family.)
* Jacob and his thousands of animals, thirteen children and four wives, all head home.  (Speaking of long family trips…this sounds miserable, and without a Stuckey’s in sight.)

Day 12
Daily Reading: Genesis 32-35

In sixth grade I took nine weeks of Latin.  I don’t remember much of anything during that time, mostly because I spent that period punching myself in the face because of the horror that is Latin.  The rest of the time I was lost in thought puzzling out how some of my classmates had found a way to start growing facial hair.  However, in the few seconds I did pay attention, I remember the teacher telling us all about the Greek gods…and how they came down to Earth to mess with people.  They would sleep with them, fall in love with them, torture them or even fight them.  I remember thinking it was ridiculous that people used to actually believe that stuff.  Well, just like the rest of middle school, turns out the joke was on me.

Apparently Christianity has its own crazy story of God coming down to find someone to pick a fight with.  One night Jacob is hanging out all alone when out of nowhere a dude walks up and just starts fighting him for no reason.  Apparently this is the cultural norm at the time because Jacob goes along and wrestles the guy all night long without ever asking what they’re fighting about.  As morning approaches the mystery attacker realizes he isn’t going to win.  So what does he do?  He pulls out the mother-of-all pressure point moves and touches Jacob’s hip, wrenching it out of its socket.  If this were me you’d better believe I’d immediately be in the fetal position, which, let’s be honest, I probably already would’ve been in anyway…but not Jacob…the dude isn’t even phased.  He continues to wrestle so hard, he gets other guy cry “uncle”.

Short story even shorter, turns out the guy was God.  (Did you catch that?  Jacob got God to cry “uncle”.  I can barely handle a pair of jumper cables, and this guy got God to cry “uncle.”)  God goes on to bless Jacob and gives him a new name saying, “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” (Gen. 32:28)

So let me get this straight.  Jacob is doing his thing, and God walks by and just…jumps him?  He’s sees Jacob and decides to just start wailing on him?  And even though he clearly has Mortal Kombat fighting capabilities, he lets Jacob win?  Then He gives him a blessing (along with a serious limp)?  Why?  What is God doing here?  It all just seems so…unnecessary, so…bizarre.

And why is the Bible so casual about the whole thing?  This is God, the Almighty Creator, allowing himself to literally be manhandled by some regular Joe Schmo.  Why is the author not having his mind completely blown?  This is THE Pay Per View fight of the millennium, and it comes across as an amusing anecdote that probably turned Jacob into the ultimate one-upper.

And if this was God in the form of a man…was it Jesus that was wrestling?  Could He just not wait a couple more years for WWE and simply had to come on down to get His wrestle on?  Was the point to show us He can dominate us whenever He wants, but that His real desire is to interact with us?  To roll around in the dirt, gettin’ into the nitty gritty with us?

I just don’t know what to do with this, other than be glad it wasn’t me because the last time I was in a fight was with Duane Terry in seventh grade where we both threw one punch, we both missed, and we both decided to call it a draw.  And that was the best I could do against an uncoordinated seventh grader…let alone God.

(On a completely separate note…for some interesting reading check out Genesis 34.  It’s insane.  Two of Jacob’s sons wipe out all the men of a nearby town because the prince raped their sister.  The best part is before they killed everyone, Jacob’s sons made the men circumcise themselves first.  C’mon, that’s just mean.)

The Original Sister Wives or Baby Mama Drama

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What You’ve Missed…
*Abraham turns 100 and his wife Sarah finally has the baby she’s been praying for and names him Isaac.
*God later tells Abraham to kill Isaac, his only son, as a holy sacrifice.  (I’d have a hard enough time sacrificing my dog if God asked.)
*At the last minute God stops Abraham.  Turns out it was just a test, and Abraham passed.  (I immediately become grateful for the SATs for the first time ever.)
*Everything God promised to Abraham, he also promises to Isaac.
*Isaac marries Rebekah and has twins, Esau and Jacob, one of which may be an Ewok.
*To wrap things up, turns out Jacob is totally shady, and kind of a complete jerk, when he tricks his blind and elderly father by having Isaac give him God’s blessing which was supposed to be given to his brother Esau.  Also, his mom helped him formulate this whole plan. (I always had a feeling that a mother’s second child was always her favorite.)
Day 10
Daily Reading Genesis 28-30:24

So Jacob is wandering around figuring out his life when God promises him the same things He promised his father Isaac and grandfather Abraham; tons of descendants, tons of land, blessings, yadda yadda yadda…Jacob seems pumped about the whole deal.

Later Jacob goes to visit his uncle Laban and ends up meeting his cousin Rachel who turns out to be a foxy, foxy lady.  Real foxy.  The Bible actually goes out of its way to tell us that this chick is not just beautiful, but has a bangin’ body.

“Rachel had a beautiful figure and a lovely face.”  (Gen. 29:17)

Jacob knows what he wants, and he wants Rachel.  He agrees to work for Laban for seven years in exchange for Rachel.  Now, there are tons of fine women out there in the world today…and I don’t know a single dude who would work for seven years, without pay, to have one as a wife.  Clearly Rachel had it goin’ on!  So seven years passes and Jacob is ready to get busy.  He approaches his uncle and gets straight to business saying, “I have fulfilled my agreement, now give me my wife so I can sleep with her.”  And so he does.

SURPRISE!  Turns out ol’ Laban pulled a fast one on his nephew and sent Jacob his oldest daughter Leah instead (who Jacob doesn’t really care for, probably because she had  “dull eyes”, which I imagine is the Bible’s polite way of telling us Leah was about as attractive as a cow).  A week later Laban gives Jacob Rachel as his second wife (and gets Jacob to agree to another seven years of work.  How hot was this chick?)

And it is at this point that the two sisters, Leah and Rachel, battle it out hardcore for their husband’s affection.  There’s more outrage happening here than Chuck Liddell could ever muster up in a UFC match.  And how do these two women fight for Jacob’s affection?  By having as many of his kids as they can.  Let the Great Middle Eastern Baby Battle Begin!

Turns out Rachel can’t have kids, and Leah can…giving Jacob four kids and taking an early lead.  But filled with jealousy, and not to be outdone, Rachel has Jacob sleep with her maidservant who produced two kids for Jacob.

Rachel – 2
Leah – 4

Leah seems to be hitting a dry spell, so she has Jacob sleep with her maidservant who gives him two more sons.

Rachel – 2
Leah – 6

God jumps in Leah’s corner, bringing her out of the dry spell and provides Jacob with two more sons and a daughter.

Rachel – 2
Leah – 9

Finally God throws a little compassion Rachel’s way and she becomes pregnant for the first time, giving Jacob a son named Joseph.

According to my count, the final tally is:
Rachel – 3
Leah – 9

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  We have a winner!  And it’s Leah by six kids!

Even though Leah won the World’s Greatest Birthing Contest of all-time, Jacob still always loved Rachel more.  Which just goes to show that ladies, if you want to impress your husband, shootin’ out kids left and right may not be the best approach.   (Unless you’re a member of Sister Wives, in which case this is probably your favorite Bible story.)  I’d just suggest letting your husband play Xbox from time to time, and easing up on all that nose hair trimming commentary.  Oh, and more make-outs.  Dudes love the make-outs.

(Final note: As I look back over this story…I have come to the conclusion that all of Jacob’s fourteen years of hard work for one woman paid of in spades.  This guy ended up with women not only fighting to sleep with him, but offering him more women to sleep with on their behalf.  Maybe it’s time I re-examine my work ethic.)