Virgins, Incest and Old School Pimpin’

What You’ve Missed…
*
The first murder in history, taking the entire world population from 4 to 3.
* God regrets creating everything and destroys the Earth in a flood, saving only Noah and his family because of Noah’s righteousness, taking the entire world population from millions(?) to 8.  (We sure weren’t making existing very easy for ourselves huh?)
* The Tower of Babel; Greatest epic fail of the ancient world.
* God tells Old Man Abram that he will be the father of a multitude of nations, gives him the land of Canaan, gives him the name Abraham and gives us the Christian Hokey Pokey.  Oh yeah, and to seal the deal between them, God now wants the dudes to, well, “sharpen their pencils”.

Day 6
Daily Reading:
Genesis 18-21:7

If you like crazy sex stories, pay attention.  If you like crazy adventure stories, pay attention.  If you like crazy summer blockbusters with explosions, pay attention…because things are about to get ridiculous.

The setup: God has been hearing rumors that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are flat out ridiculous, (think Vegas…but on steroids and with way more perverts) and so He is going down to check things out and see what’s up.  Turns out the rumors are true.  Sodom and Gomorrah are jacked up.  How jacked up?  This jacked up:

Before they (a man named Lot and his two male guests who are angels) retired for the night, all the men of Sodom, young and old, came from all over the city and surrounded the house.  They shouted to Lot, “Where are the men who came to spend the night with you?  Bring them out to us so we can have sex with them!” So Lot stepped out to talk to them saying, “Please my brothers don’t do such a wicked thing.  Look I have two virgin daughters.  Let me bring them out to you and you can do with them as you wish.  But please leave these men alone…(Gen. 19:4-8)

Ok…that’s just insane.  Forget sports, literature or philosophy…we’re talking about people whose favorite collective pastime is rape.  This isn’t a society that turns a blind eye to rape mind you, or even a society where it’s simply accepted.  This is a culture where rape is actively pursued.  (This is where I don’t know how to respond…)

And how does Lot (a righteous man mind you) protect his guests?  By offering his two virgin daughters to the sex crazed mob to, and I quote, “…do with them as you wish.”  What!?  What is happening here?  What kind of place is this?  Who are these people?  The “good guy” offers up his daughters as sex slaves to an entire city of sex maniacs?  I can’t imagine those two girls coming out alive.  Is this a story in the Bible or some crazy Rob Zombie porn flick?

Basically long story short the angels confirm this is the most ridiculous place ever and God’s going to blow it off the face of the map.  They warn Lot’s family to get the heck outta Dodge, telling them not to look back.  As the family makes their way to safety God reigns down fire and burning sulfur, completely destroying Sodom, Gomorrah along with other cities and villages, wiping out everyone and everything completely.  (It’s like that opening scene of Armageddon…except EVERYTHING is totally destroyed and EVERYONE dies…even that little dog riding in the bicycle basket.)

During the chaos Lot’s wife, like the Nazis in Raider’s of The Lost Ark, just has to see what’s going on, looks back and…turns into a pillar of salt.  One second she’s a living, breathing human, the next she’s an ingredient.

Talk about a page turner.  And it doesn’t even stop there!  Because Lot’s wife dies, and his daughters want the family line to continue, they both decide to sleep with their father by getting him so drunk he doesn’t even realize what’s happening.  (Side note: This may be the first time in recorded history that a woman had to get a man incredibly, incredibly drunk so he’d sleep with her.)  So, that happens and they both get pregnant, producing sons who go on to be the fathers of nations themselves.

After all of that, the story shifts back to Abraham who has now pimped out his wife Sarah to the local king in order to spare his own life. (He thought it better to say she was his sister than his wife, so the king wouldn’t kill him in order to sleep with her.  This is one of our Biblical heroes remember.  The man God chose to be the father of all Israel.)

So what have we learned?  Well, for starters mankind is pretty messed up and prone to overindulge just slightly from time to time.  People do crazy things, including Biblical heroes who are just as flawed as everyone else.  This doesn’t seem to stop God from rescuing and blessing those He is in relationship with.  Also, crazy sex acts have been around forever.

Who knew history was so…entertaining?  Unbelievable?  Crazy ridiculous?  I don’t know what the word is…I just know it’s way more intense than the Bible stories I heard growing up.

I’m making popcorn for tomorrow’s reading.

11 thoughts on “Virgins, Incest and Old School Pimpin’

  1. Wow…I love this commentary! Seriously, when you stop and think about it and don’t just read these chapters at a glance, you realize it’s all horribly horrific. No wonder God wiped out the earth’s population once already and kept destroying whole cities afterwards!

    Grateful for Jesus!

  2. dude, so reading your blog has encouraged me to read through the Bible with you and read your commentaries, love it bro! by the way, the pic of San Fran with the meteor heading toward it made me laugh

  3. Wow that was good reading, and wildly entertaining. On a sidenote, my pastor described Nineveh as “Vegas on steroids” a few weeks ago. I found it amusing you used the same phrase for S&G.
    Keep reading and writing! Great job 🙂

  4. i’m so stoked. you’ve got me stoked about something i’ve never been very stoked about. i appreciate your honesty. your bluntness. your strength to speak out loud these things. you are real and the furthest author from stale i’ve ever read.

  5. Mac, you’re hilarious. Is it bad that I’ve spent more time reading this than the actual Bible today? Seriously, though… your commentary is genius. LOVE it! I think God loves it too… 🙂

  6. Haha I’m reading through the Old Testament and I read your most recent post but I was reading this today and wanted to see what you said. It’s seriously insane isn’t it? I gotta feel sorry for the daughters. First, Lot offers their virginity to a crazy angry mob full of young AND OLD MEN. Then everyone they know gets killed by a rainstorm of sulfur and fire, including their fiances just because they thought Lot was kidding. Then their mom turns into a pile of salt and their dad forces them to live in a cave, ruining all chances of meeting a husband. Living in a cave can probably make you go a little crazy, but crazy enough to get your dad drunk and sleep with him then persuade your sister to do the same?! Probably not. I gotta think, Why not just get Dad drunk then sneak off to Zoar to meet a husband?

    • I like the fact that you’re creeped out by the idea there were lots of OLD men in the crazy sex mob. I hadn’t thought about that. Creepy.

      And yeah, living in a cave with just your sister and dad has to be pretty crappy. Heck, just living in a cave at all has to be pretty crappy.

      Great stuff Kirby! Thanks for commenting!

  7. This was rad, funny stuff. Yeah. The bible is nuts! I wouldn’t have it any other way. Matta fact, I doubt many people would ever have embraced it were it not just as twisted as we ourselves as a species can still be to this day.

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