Da Bears-1, Adorable Children-0

What You’ve Missed…
* More evil kings of Israel.
* More evil kings of the tribe of Judah.
* More war, death, pillaging and plundering, blah blah blah.
* Elijah goes Super Street Fighter on everyone, calling down more fire from heaven and wiping out 50 dudes instantaneously. Twice. Perfect victory.

Day 166
Daily Reading: 2 Kings 2, 4

Like most living legends towards the end of their careers, Elijah takes things easy. He enjoys good conversation with friends. He spends his time taking long, relaxed walks. He parts rivers with the touch of his cloak. You know, the normal stuff retired guys do.

On his final long walk, Elijah asks his servant Elisha what he wants from his master before he is “taken away” for good. (How does he know he’s going to be taken away? He wouldn’t be one of the most powerful prophets ever if he didn’t know now would he?)

So Elisha, a young gun in the prophetic world, eager to get stuff done, asks Elijah for a double portion of his spirit (or power) and Elijah agrees. Later Elijah, who knows the value of solid showmanship is whisked away to heaven by a chariot of fire, leaving Elisha to carry on the legacy. And carry on the legacy he does.

Elisha gets down to business right away by purifying a local spring with a sprinkle of salt and saving the entire town of Jericho in the process. It’s a lot like Erin Brockovich, just with less cleavage, lawsuits and tough biker babysitters babysitting the most adorable children.

Speaking of children, check out what happens next in the story.

“Elisha left Jericho and went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, a group of boys from the town began mocking and making fun of him. ‘Go away, baldy!’ they chanted. ‘Go away baldy!’ Elisha turned around and looked at them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of them.” (2 Kings 2:23-24)

Whhhaaaaaaaaaatttt!?!

Did that just happen? Give me a second to go back and re-read that.

Yup. Elisha just took out 42 kids who made fun of him via bear mauling. Bear mauling.  As in, those bears shredded those kids in a crazy mother nature battle royale bloodbath.  As in, those bears went to work, and business was good.  As in, those bears were biting off limbs like they were steppin’ into a Slim Jim.  And parents think the Bible is safer for their kids than Call of Duty? I’m not so sure. (To be sure, I should probably go play for a couple of hours. You know. For research.)

What I do know is that if there was ever a way to gain street cred as a for real and total bad ass, well, I think Elisha just found the most effective way to lock that title down. He’s like the Blues Brothers. He’s on a mission from God, and nothing’s going to stand in his way.

Especially not a little male pattern baldness.

8 thoughts on “Da Bears-1, Adorable Children-0

  1. My favorite are the versions that say she-bear. It’s one thing to be mauled by a big angry man bear; but a girl bear? That’s just embarrassing!

  2. Yeah. This isn’t the most “insane, blood-thirsty god of death” story in the Bible, because it’s only 42 kids, and a lot more will have been killed in some of the captured cities. But in some ways it’s the most emotionally appalling, because it’s ONLY kids being killed. A strong candidate for the story most likely to create unbelievers out of Jews and Christians.

    • I don’t know about creating unbelievers. But it is pretty arresting. If a story like this, in a holy text, doesn’t make one stop and think, I’m not sure what will.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s