Monthly Archives: July 2012

God Calls It Quits

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What You’ve Missed…
* Jeremiah cries over Israel’s disobedience.
* God tells Jeremiah to take off his underwear, and after reading about God telling Isaiah to do the same, I’m starting to think Magic Mike might be the holiest movie in theaters right now.
* Jeremiah cries some more.
* God forbids Jeremiah to marry.
* Jeremiah continues to cry, breaking women’s hearts everywhere, who will never receive a rose from the world’s most sensitive bachelor. (Author’s note: No actual, historical evidence has been found to support the idea of Jeremiah being a heartbreaker. But we’ll keep looking…)

Day 225
Daily Reading: Jeremiah 31, 49-51

What I didn’t include in the re-cap above are the following verses God spoke through Jeremiah:

“I have abandoned my people, my special possession. I have surrendered my dearest ones to their enemies.”  (Jeremiah 12:7)

“So this is what the LORD said to his people: ‘You love to wander from me and do not restrain yourselves.  Therefore, I will no longer accept you as my people…’”  (Jeremiah 14:10)

“‘You have abandoned me and turned your back on me,’ says the LORD.  ‘Therefore, I will raise my fist to destroy you.  I am tired of always giving you another chance…I will destroy my own people, because they refuse to change their evil ways.  There will be more widows than the grains of sand on the seashore.”  (Jeremiah 15:6-8)

Basically it’s the end of the line for the Hebrews.  They ain’t ridin’ on friendly, little Thomas the Tank Engine that’s for sure.  “Minding the Gap” isn’t going to do anything for anyone at this point because Israel is cruising full speed on a Japanese bullet train.  A bullet train to hell.

Okay, maybe that’s somewhat of an exaggeration (not to mention an awesome horror movie tagline, which I would like to copyright and sell to any interested parties).  However, God does seem to truly be at the end of his rope here, ready to call it quits.  Ready to not simply abandon His people, but fully destroy them.  That’s some intense talk.

What confused me though was noticing I still had quite a bit of the Old Testament remaining in my Bible.  How could this be the end of the Jews if there were still hundreds of pages to read?

Turns out, God STILL shows some compassion.

“‘I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”  (Jeremiah 31:3)

“‘Is not Israel still my son, my darling child?’ says the LORD. ‘I often have to punish him, but I still love him.  That’s why I long for him and surely will have mercy on him.”  (Jeremiah 31:20)

WHAT!?  God, you JUST said you were going to destroy them, because you were tired of giving second chances.  Your words, not mine.  What’s the deal?  It seems like you’re changing your mind quicker than Lady Gaga changes, well, everything.   I don’t mean to be rude, but God, it seems like you’re going back on your word quicker than a Kardashian reneging on their wedding vows.  What’s the deal here?

If you’re wondering whether God spoke back to me, He didn’t.  (And if you’re wondering if He smote me for such blasphemous questioning, He didn’t do that either.  Surprised?  Yeah, me too.)

It’s here I’m left scratching my butt, trying to figure out how God works.  Yes Jeremiah goes on to explain God heard Israel crying out with an apology for turning away, repenting, and asking to be reunited with Him again, (Jeremiah 31:18-19) but still, God said no more second chances.  Yet, God relents, and not only has mercy on His people, but goes so far to say He will bless them, bringing them happiness, joy and rest.

I’m about as confused here as I was the first time I tried to French kiss Jeni Herring in seventh grade.  At the end of it all (which was probably about three seconds honestly), I just stood there, feeling really awkward, not having the slightest clue what to do or say.  Unlike God, it was soon thereafter when Jeni decided that she preferred actual kissing to being slobbered on by an over eager nerd, and called it quits for us.

But I know God hasn’t left me.  (Then again, he hasn’t been on the receiving end of my “particularly salivary” make-out style.)  And that’s the point.  He didn’t turn his back on Israel either.  Even when He said He would.  He says no more second chances, and then gives them another chance!  He says it’s over for good, and then decides to stick it out.  What am I supposed to do with that?  It’s honestly incredibly frustrating.

I mean, I guess it comes down to the fact God just does what He wants?  Maybe.  Or that His bottom line is the whole “everlasting love” deal He mentions?  Maybe.  Or that He is more like a parent than we realize, and even though He’s at His wit’s end (can an infinite being have a wit’s end?) with his kids’ behavior, He still finds himself charmed by them, being overwhelmed by how much He loves them, to the point that He changes His mind?  Maybe.

Maybe it’s all of that.  Maybe it’s none of it.  Who knows?  (No, really, tell me if you do.  I’d like to know.)  Or maybe it’s like my ability to French kiss and I’ll just never get it.

It’s Getting Hot In Here

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What You’ve Missed…
* Jeremiah narrowly avoids death by stoning, which counts as a good day for anyone.
* Jeremiah continues to speak prophecies to Israel, though they don’t seem to like it much. And really, neither does Jeremiah.  (He actually tried to quit.)
* Also, it turns out Jeremiah was not, in fact, a bullfrog.  Nor is there any record of him helping anyone to drink their wine.
* Israel turns into Bayside High when Mr. Belding, I mean King Nebuchadnezzar, takes over and becomes buddies with a local kid named Zack Morris, I mean Daniel, who becomes the coolest kid in school, I mean Israel.  The crazy stories that ensue are perfect for countless after-school re-runs, I mean the Bible.

Day 219
Daily Reading: Daniel 2-3, Jeremiah 7

Before we get to the meat of today’s reading, I’d like to comment briefly on something the Bible mentions that I have beef with; Being a vegetarian.  Apparently Daniel and his tree-hugging buddies only ate organic veggies, and were healthier than all the other young dudes in the kingdom.  Thanks Bible for that “slight nudge” and free guilt trip to lay off the Double Quarter Pounders and Grilled Stuffed Burritos.  No wonder my mom loves you.

Moving on.  So King Nebuchadnezzar (gesundheit!) gets bored and decides to make a huge gold statue for himself.  Well, that’s what it says anyway, though I doubt he lifted a single finger to actually help.  (What good totally-egocentric-iron handed dictator actually does any work?  None of the great ones, that’s for sure.)  But apparently sitting around looking at a gold statue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so ol’ Nebs adds a new element to the equation.  He creates a law that says everyone has to worship the statue, and if they refuse, well, they become human bar-b-que.  (Alright Bible I get it.  Stick with the veggies.  Gotcha.  By the way…we are counting cheese as a vegetable right?)

So, as you Sunday school attendees know, three Hebrew guys refused to play along and were sentenced to be burned alive.  The names of those three guys?  The famous Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (whose real names are actually Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, but those are harder to say, and most of us have already memorized the other ones, which are catchier anyway, so let’s just go ahead and stick with those.)  Apparently, our boy King Nebulicious took it personally that these three dudes wouldn’t join in the idol worship.

“Nebuchadnezzar was so furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego that his face became distorted with rage.  He commanded the furnace be heated seven times hotter than usual … So [the soldiers] tied them up and threw them in to the furnace fully dressed…and because the king, in his anger, had demanded such a hot fire in the furnace, the flames killed the soldiers as they threw the men in.”  (Daniel 3:19-23)

That’s hot.  Really hot.  Like, Toyota hot, hot, hot.  I’m no stranger to a good marshmellow roast.  In fact, I sort of think of myself as somewhat of a professional mallow roaster (I have the burnt knuckle hairs to prove it…except, they’ve grown back healthy…so uh, you’re just going to have to take my word for it) but even I recognize that even the hottest camp fire I’ve ever been around is Busch League Boy Scout stuff compared to this thing.  The dudes died just by getting close to it?  Really…is that even possible?  Did they catch on fire?  Did they just melt?  Did their ashes fall into a neat little pile like in a cartoon, or did they simply go Kansas and become dust in the wind?  I don’t know.  But I do know that I can’t even imagine heat like that.  I mean, come on…I’ll be honest.  If it were me, I can see myself being scared out of my tighty-whities and backing out of the whole thing (after totally peeing my pants of course.)

How committed to their God were these three guys?  Not only did they not back out, they went into the flames confidently.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us.  He will rescue us from your power…but even if he doesn’t…we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”  (Daniel 3:16-18)

Pardon my language, but those guys had balls.  Let me rephrase that.  Those guys had some serious faith balls.  They went willingly towards a ridiculously horrible death, simply believing God would save them.  They didn’t try to talk their way out, or work their way out, or even use the creative ingenuity God gave them (see Daniel 1:17) to figure out how to save themselves.  They literally just trusted God to do all the work.  Again, balls.

Turns out, God didn’t need them to say a special prayer, or atone for their sins the moment before death or anything, because He indeed did do all the work.

“‘Look!’ Nebuchadnezzar shouted.  ‘I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed!  And the fourth looks like a god!’ … Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego stepped out of the fire…not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched.  They didn’t even smell of smoke!”  (Daniel 3:25-27)

So…what just happened?  I’ll tell you.  These guys just took bonfire partying to the next level by not just partying hard around a bonfire, but partying inside of it.  I mean, they even had a friend come over and hang out for awhile.  That blows all of your field party stories out of the water.  “Oh, you guys almost burned down Old Man Higgins’ field at your kegger last weekend?  I’d be impressed, except for the fact I almost burned down at the bonfire we had last month.  Yeah, I gave my buddies a high five.  IN the fire.”

I would now like to officially declare Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego Biblical Ballers.  (No pun intended.)  You, gentlemen, just showed us what it looks like to be a dedicated follower of God.  If I wore hats, they’d be off to you.

After reading this, walking on coals seems like kiddie stuff.  Not that I’m willing to try it or anything.